I was maybe fifteen when I first became aware of a faint ringing inside my ear and head. At first I thought it's in the environment and that everybody else hears it; but when I started to complain and asked people if they also hear the sound. They looked quizzically at me and said I was crazy. I shared it with a sister; she said I should get help-- a mental institution kind of help, with these "voices" that I hear. It was only then that I understood that it's a highly personal sonic phenomenon that's inaudible and unintelligible to others. It's like a sonic mirage: a sound that doesn't exists but is heard and experienced by me alone. I later learned to suppress it by deliberately avoiding to pay attention to it. It was that or I could have gone mad. It is like being held prisoner inside your own head; a party that doesn't stop and you're not invited. It has since worsened. The disturbing and persistent sound had become louder and has increased in pitch.
It's Tinnitus.
It is quite common, the doctor reassured me. There is, however, no cure nor even a remedy to alleviate the condition. I was made to understand too that the condition could not be measured objectively by any existing medical tests. It's a false subjective phenomenon. Thus, the condition is rated by, who else, but the sufferer himself, on a simple scale from slight to catastrophic according to the difficulties it imposes-- such as interference with sleep, quiet activities. I rate mine as "troubling".
More than once, this internal hubbub had driven me to deliberately seek out "noisy places" to drown it out. I once walked out from an important meeting to stand on the sidewalk for a good fifteen minutes until I could "hear" myself think again amidst my inner din. There had also been several instances when I was roused from sleep in the middle of the night by the ruckus.
I would describe the inner phantom sound I perceive as a continuous steady whining buzz much like the "sound of the night" of my childhood but in a slightly higher pitch. Annoyingly, I could hear the buzzing even over loud external sounds. The problem is involuntary; I simply could not override or ignore the sound.
It is one of those things in life that I have learned to cope with. It made me wonder though that in the event I go deaf, would I still "hear" the buzzing inside my head; and, if I go mad because of it, will the sound continue to bother me or will it be drowned out in the madness.
... and the band played on.
